Jeff's Thirty Fourth Year: A Retrospective

On January 17th, I turned 34 years old.

On January 19th, I woke up from my 13-year slumber, induced by the hypnosis I received whilst attempting to thwart a bank robbery perpitrated by Dr. Charade (pronounced "shuh-ROD") and his gang of identically dressed henchmen in 1991

On February 3rd, I invented a pasta pot that not only cooks, but also DRAINS the pasta!

On February 30th, I realized that I had somehow magically transported myself to a day that didn't exist, and could therefore do literally anything I wanted without fear of reprocussion.

On March 2nd, I was released from prison on my own recognizance. I had to pay the woman at the bakery almost $1300 for all the zeppole.

On March 18th, she walked out from the shadows like a dream, thereby making me feel simultaneously crazy and so mean. I also made a pair of pants out of genoa salami.

On April 15th, I sent the federal government a check for $25.00 - not because I owed that in taxes, but because they had done such a great job in protecting us from terrorists and teaching us to hate all people of Middle Eastern origin. "Get yourself something nice, Government" I wrote in the card.

On May 26th, I realized that nothin' was gonna save me from a love that's blind. Which is really too bad, because while the love was blind, it was also deaf and dumb, and could in fact play a mean pinball.

On June 4th, I celebrated the 4th of July in STYLE!

Oh June 27th, I took that hamster! I took it, and I took it REAL GOOD. "Where are you taking me?" asked the hamster, and I told it, I told it "I'm taking you to the deli!" and then me and that hamster went to the deli and we split a roast beef on rye and a half-sour. "Thanks for taking me" said the hamster, but I didn't need to respond. He could see my response...in my eyes.

On July 4th, I realized I had fucked up and celebrated the 4th of July in June. No wonder the McGrarys were so upset that I painted the American Flag on my naked body and waggled my "lil' patriot" in front of their house for seven hours.

On August 13th, I finally finished writing my book, "How to tell if you're at the circus" which is sure to come in handy when you don't know if you're at the circus or not. There are currently seventeen publishers embroiled in a round-robin potato salad wrestling comptetion. The dude from Random House is wiry, and I think he may have the edge.

On August 29th, I said "Jeff, in three days, you ought to write a retrospective on your 34th year on this planet so far, highlighting all the important dates, and being sure to work in at least a couple of lines from John Cafferty and the Beaver Brown band's classic hit On The Dark Side so that you can keep this ridiculous theme of yours alive.

On September 1st, I MOTHER FUCKING DID, BABY!!!!

I AM A KING PENGUIN!

I AM A BIRD WITH FEATHERS BUT CANNOT FLY!

SQUAWK! SQUAWK!! SQUAWK!!!

OH YEAAAAAH!!! (clap!)